CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS: FROM DISAGREEMENT TO RESOLUTION Conflict is normal and healthy. How we handle it determines whether it strengthens or fractures relationships. This document outlines a step-by-step process for resolving conflicts within your chapter. --- CONFLICT RESOLUTION LADDER Most conflicts resolve at lower levels. Escalate only when needed. LEVEL 1: Direct Conversation (TRY FIRST) Two people talk privately, one-on-one, without a third party LEVEL 2: Mediation A neutral third party helps two people understand each other LEVEL 3: Restorative Circle A facilitated group process addressing community harm LEVEL 4: Formal Adjudication Leadership or a committee makes a binding decision --- LEVEL 1: DIRECT CONVERSATION Use this for most conflicts. Many resolve here if done well. When to use: - Misunderstanding between two people - Different working styles clashing - Disagreement about ideas or decisions - Hurt feelings - Unclear expectations When NOT to use: - Abuse or safety issues (skip to Level 4) - Power imbalance too extreme (use Level 2) - Either party refuses to talk (skip to Level 2) PROCESS: Step 1: Request a private conversation "I'd like to talk about what happened between us. Could we grab coffee/call soon?" Don't: - Ambush someone during a meeting - Talk to them publicly or in front of others - Discuss it with lots of people first - Wait months—address it soon while it's fresh Step 2: Prepare your thoughts Before meeting, clarify: - What happened specifically? (Not interpretation, facts) - How did it affect you? - What outcome would feel resolved? - What do you assume about their intent? Example of good preparation: "On Tuesday, when I suggested trying a new communication tool, you said 'That's a waste of time.' I felt dismissed and like you don't trust my judgment. I want to understand why you reacted that way, and I want us to be able to disagree without it affecting our relationship." Example of bad preparation: "You're being dismissive and don't respect me" (This is judgment, not observation) Step 3: Have the conversation Find a private, calm space. Set aside 30+ minutes. Do: - Start with curiosity, not accusation: "I want to understand your perspective on..." - Describe impact: "When X happened, I felt Y" - Listen to their experience: "Help me understand what happened from your side" - Assume good intent: "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, and..." - Focus on behavior, not character: "When you interrupted me" not "You're disrespectful" Don't: - Attack character: "You're selfish" - Bring up old stuff: "You always..." - Demand they feel a certain way - Give up if it's awkward—sit with the awkwardness CONVERSATION TEMPLATE: You: "Thanks for making time. I want to talk about [specific situation]. On [date], when [what happened], I felt [your feelings] because [impact]. I don't think you meant to hurt me, and I want to understand your perspective. What was going on from your side?" Them: [Shares their perspective] You: "I hear you. So [reflect back what they said]. I didn't know [their context]. That helps. What I still want you to understand is that when I [behavior], it affected me because [impact]. Going forward, I'd feel better if we [what would help]." Them: "I hear you. I can do [agreement] / I can't do that because [their constraint]" You: "Okay, I hear that. Can we try [modified agreement]?" Step 4: Reach agreement (or acknowledge you can't) Agreement might be: - "I'll try not to interrupt you" - "I'll give feedback differently—I'll ask first if you want feedback" - "I understand why you were frustrated" - "We disagree on this, but we can still work together" Sometimes you can't resolve it. That's okay. You might agree: - "We see this differently and that's okay" - "I need some space from you right now" - "We should involve someone else to help" Step 5: Move forward - Don't bring it up constantly ("See, you did it again") - Give them a chance to change - Check in: "How are things between us?" - If same issue happens, address it: "Remember we talked about this?" --- LEVEL 2: MEDIATION Use when: - Direct conversation didn't work or people won't try - Big power imbalance between people - Emotions are too high for direct conversation - People keep misunderstanding each other NOT when: - Abuse or safety issues - Criminal behavior - One person completely refuses to participate WHAT A MEDIATOR IS (AND ISN'T): ✓ A mediator is: - Neutral (doesn't take sides) - A good listener - Trained in conflict - Skilled at helping people understand each other - Empowered to facilitate but not decide ✗ A mediator is NOT: - A judge who decides who's right - Someone who enforces the decision - A friend of one person - Someone who has power over the people in conflict - Supposed to take your side SELECTING A MEDIATOR: Ideal mediator is someone who: - Both people trust (or at least accept) - Has no stake in the outcome - Isn't close friends with either person - Has some conflict experience or training - Can stay calm Where to find: - Another chapter member respected by both - Community mediator (some cities have free services) - Trained mediator brought in from outside - Facilitator from your network MEDIATION PROCESS: Stage 1: Pre-meeting (Mediator calls each person separately) Mediator: "I understand there's a conflict. I'm not here to judge. I want to help you understand each other better. Would you be willing to meet with [other person] and me to try to resolve this?" What mediator is assessing: - Safety: Is anyone at risk? - Willingness: Will both people participate? - Power: Is one person threatening/controlling the other? If either person says no or mediator sees safety issues, this isn't right for mediation. Stage 2: Joint session Meeting happens with both people and mediator present. Mediator opens: "We're here because there's a conflict and you both want to resolve it. Here's how this will work: 1. Each of you gets time to explain your perspective without interruption 2. I'll help make sure you understand each other 3. We'll explore what would help resolve this 4. You decide the outcome—I don't make decisions This is confidential. What's said here doesn't go beyond this room." Step 1: Person A's perspective (10 minutes) Person A: "Here's what happened from my perspective..." Mediator takes notes. Person B listens without interrupting. Step 2: Mediator reflects back to Person A Mediator: "[Person A], did I understand correctly? You felt [X] because [Y]?" Person A: "Yes, exactly" or "No, I meant..." Step 3: Person B's perspective (10 minutes) Person B: "Here's my perspective..." Mediator takes notes. Person A listens. Step 4: Mediator reflects back to Person B Mediator: "[Person B], so you were [X] and didn't realize [Y]?" Person B: "Yes" or "No..." Step 5: Mediator facilitates understanding Mediator: "Let me make sure I have this right. [Person A], you felt dismissed. [Person B], you didn't realize how it landed. Does that capture it?" Both: "Yes" Mediator: "[Person B], what did you actually mean?" Person B: "I meant [X], not dismissing you" Mediator: "[Person A], how does that land for you?" Person A: "That helps. I understand better." Step 6: Move toward resolution Mediator: "What would need to happen for you two to move forward?" Person A: "I need to know he values my input" Person B: "I do. I just have a different preference sometimes" Mediator: "Can you commit to [specific behavior] to show that?" Person B: "Yeah, I can ask clarifying questions instead of just saying no" Person A: "And I'll try not to interpret silence as rejection" Mediator: "Great. So going forward: [Person B] will ask clarifying questions when you disagree, and [Person A] will check in if unsure. Sound good?" Both: "Yes" Stage 3: Follow-up Mediator checks in after 2 weeks: "How's it going? Is the agreement working?" If yes: Mediation complete. If no: Go back to Step 6 and revise agreement, or consider Level 3 (Restorative Circle). --- LEVEL 3: RESTORATIVE CIRCLE Use when: - Someone's behavior harmed the community - Direct harm to multiple people or the group - Need the community to heal and the person to understand impact - Goal is repair, not punishment Examples: - Leader overstepped power and hurt several people - Someone was disrespectful to multiple members - Someone broke confidentiality - Repeated pattern of hurtful behavior NOT for: - Abuse (go to Law enforcement) - Situations where person denies harm happened - When person refuses to take responsibility RESTORATIVE CIRCLE PROCESS: Step 1: Facilitator talks to the person who caused harm (separately) Facilitator: "Several people have said your [behavior] affected them. I want to bring people together so they can share their experience and you can understand the impact. Are you willing to listen and take responsibility if the impact is clear?" If yes: Move forward If no: This isn't the right process. Consider Level 4. Step 2: Circle is convened Participants: - Person who caused harm - 3-5 people who were affected - 1-2 facilitators - Typically no more than 8 people Facilitator explains: "We're here because [behavior] had impact on people in our community. The goal isn't punishment. It's for [person] to understand the real impact, and for us to heal and move forward. We're using a circle process where we go around and each person shares their experience. Here's how this works:" Step 3: People share impact Go around circle. Each person shares: - What happened from your perspective - How it affected you - What you need to move forward "When [specific behavior happened], I felt [impact] because [why]. For me to feel okay moving forward, I need [specific thing]." Person who caused harm listens. Doesn't interrupt or defend. Step 4: Person who caused harm responds "I hear that what I did hurt you. I didn't realize [specific impact]. I'm responsible for that. I'm sorry. Here's what I understand: [summarize impact]. What I'm willing to do to repair this: [specific commitments]." Key: Own it, don't minimize ("I'm sorry you felt that way" is not an apology) Step 5: Community decides if repair is acceptable "Can we move forward? Does [person's] commitment address what you need?" People respond: - "Yes, I feel okay moving forward" - "I need to see [specific behavior] change for a while" - "I'm not ready yet, but I hear the commitment" Step 6: Follow-up Facilitator checks in regularly for 1-3 months: - Is the person following through? - Do affected people feel the harm is healing? - Is trust being rebuilt? If person doesn't follow through, escalate to Level 4. --- LEVEL 4: FORMAL ADJUDICATION Use when: - Other levels have failed - Serious violation of chapter values - Safety issue - Criminal behavior - Person refuses other processes Who decides: - Leadership/Board if you have one - Or a special committee formed for this - Or full membership vote PROCESS: Step 1: Complaint is submitted Written or verbal complaint to [leader/committee chair]: - What happened - Who was affected - What resolution is being sought - Any documentation Step 2: Investigation Committee gathers facts: - Interviews with people involved - Gathers documentation - Reviews bylaws and chapter policies - Assesses severity Step 3: Meeting with respondent Person accused gets to respond: - Explain their perspective - Provide their own documentation/witnesses - Ask questions about the complaint Step 4: Committee decides Based on facts and bylaws: - Is there a violation? - What's the appropriate consequence? - Possible outcomes: * No violation found; case closed * Violation found; person required to [specific action] * Violation found; person removed from leadership * Violation found; person asked to leave chapter Step 5: Communication Decision communicated to: - Person accused - Person who complained - Full membership (as appropriate) Confidentiality is kept except where necessary for safety. --- SPECIAL SITUATIONS ABUSE OR SAFETY ISSUES: Skip the ladder. Go directly to: 1. Ensure immediate safety 2. Contact law enforcement if needed 3. Remove person from leadership/activities 4. Document everything 5. Get legal counsel A person cannot mediate their way out of abuse. --- POWER IMBALANCES: If there's a big power difference (boss/volunteer, long-term/new member), be extra careful: - Don't pressure person with less power to mediate with person in power - Use skilled mediators experienced with power dynamics - Be alert to coercion or fear - Sometimes the person with power needs to make the first move to repair trust --- WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO ENGAGE: If person won't talk, won't mediate, won't listen: - You can still hold them accountable - Use Level 4 (formal process) - Make it clear: "We want to resolve this. If you won't engage, we'll have to proceed without your input" - Document their non-participation --- CREATING SAFETY FOR RESOLUTION People won't show up and be honest if they don't feel safe. Create safety by: 1. Confidentiality - What's discussed in mediation stays there - Exception: safety issues - No gossiping about the conflict 2. Non-punishment stance - "We're here to understand, not punish" - Focus on impact and repair, not blame 3. Power-aware facilitation - Notice power dynamics - Protect people with less power - Don't let powerful people dominate 4. Cultural competence - Different cultures handle conflict differently - Ask: "How does conflict work in your community?" - Don't impose one "right way" 5. Accountability - Follow through on agreements - Check in as promised - Don't let powerful people off the hook --- BUILDING A CULTURE WHERE CONFLICT IS HEALTHY Most chapters avoid conflict instead of addressing it. Create a culture where conflict is normal: ✓ Name it: "We disagree. That's okay. Let's work through it." ✓ Address early: Don't wait until you're furious ✓ Model it: Leaders address conflicts directly, transparently ✓ Celebrate it: "We had a real disagreement and we handled it well" ✓ Learn from it: "What did we learn from this conflict?" ✓ Distinguish person from behavior: "I care about you and I'm concerned about [behavior]" ✓ Assume good intent: "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, and..." ✓ Focus on understanding: Ask "Help me understand" not "You're wrong" --- WHEN RESOLUTION ISN'T POSSIBLE Sometimes you can't resolve a conflict. That's okay. Options: - People agree to disagree and work in different areas - One person leaves the organization - You establish boundaries: "We work together but don't socialize" - You accept it won't be resolved and move on The goal isn't perfect harmony. It's to handle disagreement in ways that preserve dignity and allow people to work together (or separately) with respect. --- TEMPLATE: CONFLICT RESOLUTION AGREEMENT After any level of resolution, write down: PARTIES: [Name] and [Name] DATE: [date] CONFLICT: [brief description] RESOLUTION METHOD USED: [direct conversation / mediation / circle / adjudication] MEDIATOR/FACILITATOR: [if applicable] WHAT HAPPENED: [brief summary both parties agree on] IMPACT: [how each person was affected] AGREEMENT GOING FORWARD: [Person A] will: - [specific behavior change] - [timeline] [Person B] will: - [specific behavior change] - [timeline] CHECK-IN DATE: [when we'll follow up] SIGNATURES: [Person A]: _________________ [Person B]: _________________ [Facilitator]: _________________ --- Remember: Conflict handled well strengthens relationships. Conflict avoided or mishandled damages them. Choose to engage thoughtfully.